I parked outside the Mansion with its unwelcoming bricks. I hate coming here. But today is the day. I sink my head onto the steering wheel and my whole body sighs. This is it. I’ve served them all my life for this moment of freedom, the day has finally arrived, one last meeting, a last handover, but this time I will set the record straight, Kylie will not be staying behind like I was made to do so. I clench my teeth and lift my head up, my eyes determined to see this through. They will not take Kylie on top of all I have given them. No, this time the chain will be broken, I will not allow for her to be subjected to… It’s still etched in the dark corners of my mind, how innocent she was in the cot in the baby ward, no one there to claim her…
I had no choice, or so I thought.
How naive I was…
I sink into the closed door of Izzy’s study, tears silently trickle down my sodden cheeks. Why was she seeing h-him? It was hh-he, who…I grasp frantically onto the gold locket around my neck, it’s still here. My lungs relax a little.
He cannot take this away from me…hhh-he may have prised away me from my parents- no, or was it…no..no…no…I clutch the locket tighter. It cannot be her too…my thoughts a mere garbled whisper.
Who the hell does she think she is? All smug in her pristine, prim clothes. She better be washing her mouth with soap after all those obscenities she let fly out from her pretty pink lips. How dare she speak of me as a dirty secret. She’s no mother of mine as I am no bastard child. I have proof.
I hold my breath and glance over my shoulder, the door to Izzy’s study remained shut. She should be away for another two hours at least, it should give me plenty of time for what I need to do. I suppose I am trespassing in these forbidden grounds, but I have reason to, Izzy is hiding something, and it’s up to me to find it, secrets must be unearthed, secrets do no one any good. I should know, after all, I was a dirty secret for practically all my life. Ok, eighteen is still relatively young compared to everyone else, especially Izzy, still, it’s long enough to be labelled a bastard, therefore my astute survival skills- make me a highly evolved eighteen year old, even Izzy would not argue with that. I turn back to look at Izzy’s desk, it looked out of place in this dark room, a glass surface, held with lithe metal frames, a complete contrast to this rough, cold basement…the floorboards creaked under my feet as I stepped closer to the desk. Goosebumps rising throughout my skin.
Heya lovely readers 🙂 I hope you are all well and have had a spectacular summer, autumn and now winter. I have had an interesting and enlightening year -and since my last post, I have had lots to take part in and overcome in my personal life. Due to this, my writing took a backseat (as did blogging), I continued to write poems and take photographs -I even started to work on that canvas, but on the whole, my main feat was…I’ve had a breakthrough with my panic attacks and depression -yep, you heard correctly. 😀 It is with this new lease of life, I have been trying to build my life back up to where it was before the darkness of the mental illness struck and debilitated me. I’ve been on one heck of a journey -and though the blackening days are not yet over, I feel that it’s now only a moment of time. I will beat this debilitating with the great support I have, I am so blessed to have wonderful people around me, helping me, guiding me and wanting me to be whole again…and for that, and their generous support, I am fighting, doing my best, with the baby-steps on my low days and some surprising leaps on days which I feel I can tackle the world…
So what have I been upto? It’s been a mammoth of a year for me, refusing actual medication has probably added to my slow progress, but I cannot bring myself to abuse my body with tablets which may plague me with horrible side-effects, so I am taking a course of herbal remedy, St Johns Wort, I’ve been stopping and starting it as and when it starts to cause sensitivity to my skin, but that’s been good, it helps me to see it’s effects and how it is actually working, that with my support network, I am healing, and I think it will not be long before I am back to the old me, I certainly feel like I am getting there, and when I am back, you will hopefully see me back writing and blogging as I have before…but first, what 2013 taught me.
Anything is possible.
I replace the receiver back on the phone and sink my back into the cushions resting on the wooden chair; I tilt my head backwards and smile, this is perfect, too perfect, things are actually going to turnout ok…finally I have the perfect reason to leave, no guilt to harbour, our vows, now rendered redundant, but I do not care…I haven’t for a long while, I only agreed to it for Tom’s sake..and he does this, how ironic…
Smiling, I twist the gold band around my finger one last time and remove it, placing it on the oak desk, untying mine and Tom’s bond. I am free, free to move on with my life without Tom…now I can openly be with Ben, guilt-free.
*Written for Voice Week 2013.
The phone rings at the same time, each day, every day…I daren’t answer it, so I do not…I just watch it light-up with each buzz. The news is rarely good, I’ve seen it in my dreams…so I do not answer, just watch it each and every day, hoping for its silence.
Subconsciously I go to twist the gold band on my ring finger -except it’s not there, I look down at my hand, diverting my eyes from the phone; an indentation of the ring screams stark realisations to me…it also explains Tom’s cold cup of coffee each morning and the dinner he never eats. It makes sense, but it does not…
Warning: Strong language used, please read with caution. 16+).
It’s been hours since…the phone on the oak desk smiles smugly at me, willing me -no, taunting me to make the call, but I shan’t, I shouldn’t listen to those thoughts, Tom said I mustn’t, that they do not speak the truth, that they lie…but he lied too…he lied when renewing our vows, so why should I believe him -and her
I slam the receiver onto the phone, the oak desk underneath creaks in response -how could he? How dare he -and with her -of all the people, Clara my sister, my blood -how could they? I punch with my bare fists onto the desk and recoil (flinching) then punch again and again, my knuckles red raw.
Heya to all you lovelies, I’ve had a busy few weeks with moving furniture, sorting out the flat, and taking on some volunteering work that my writing has taken a step back, but I’m still writing some poems, and that’s about it; therefore I decided to get back into the swing of things (so to speak), and so this week I’m going to take part in voice week 2013.
What’s that you ask?
Down in the forest, right near the lake
Toadstool fairies swept leaves with their rakes
Whistling and singing
Dancing and prancing
They cleaned up the paths of where their homes lay.
Hiding in hedges, near by the trees
The pixies watched the fairies with glee
Waiting for sundown
Before they attack
They planned to mess the work (of the fairies’ comeback).
Written for day 20 of OctPoWriMo; today’s challenge: to write a love letter (from an unlikely pair) or write a poem in the form of Rictameter. Initially, I could not come up with an unlikely pair to write about, therefore, I took on the Rictameter challenge, and that inspired me to write the love letter (I hope it works). lol -As for the additional challenge Morgan (oh my goodness (I hate not stepping up to the mark); but I’m awfully camera shy, so I’ve done a voice recording, which is equally embarrassing for me, please accept my apologies from now) –it’s my compromise, I do hope I do not get penalised. 😛
*To listen to the voice recording of ‘Enlightenment through the Dark’ please on the play button above or below (whichever works), otherwise, click onto the more tab to read my attempts at today’s prompts (this is for readers reading this from the main blog page and not using a direct link).
(To read ‘Enlightenment through the Dark’, please follow this link.)
The Candles’ Spell
Dancing against shadows
Pirouetting to hearts of stone;
Playfully toying and igniting sparks
These stoned hearts, never danced apart.
Day fourteen and surprisingly, today’s OctPoWriMo’s prompt is ’silence’, (I’m fortunate today’s a quiet day for me), so here you are…this is what the prompt encouraged me to write, I do hope you enjoy the read.
A Bewitching Silence
Calm comes with its sparkle
Serenity smoothing daily blare
-Its’ golden twinkle focusing on my view
Its’ glitter reaching into depths
Depths of a soul
Awakened to see,
My eyes closed,
Yet opened to a glory I’ve not ever known.
I’m deafened in a soundless wake;
My time is limited today, so today I’m sharing a poem I wrote a while back, I feel it is suitable for today’s prompt for OctPoWriMo (day 12), the prompt is shadows -our shadows, it’s what makes and sometimes breaks us, the important thing is to learn from our shadows and overcome them to become better individuals and also have an understanding for those people whom we surround ourselves with.
Disclaimer: The subject matter may not be suitable to all tastes; you may even classify this as a little disturbing; this is a relatively dark piece with dark thoughts. I do not condone you to think like this -or act out any parts of this poem; this piece is just expressing an idea and is intended as an exercise in exploring the word prompt ‘shadows’. If you are a younger reader, please avoid reading this.
I Didn’t Want To Be…
Today’s challenge for OctPoWriMo is to write a lyrical poem, which in theory should not be difficult seeing I get a lot of people telling me my poems read like song lyrics; but actually sitting down and constructing a lyrical poem has been quite challenging; I am unsure if what I have written will be considered as a lyrical poem, as I have added a change to the flow in parts, so parts read rhythmically faster in places…however, I do hope you enjoy the poem as it is, a poem which wrote itself as I listened to some lovely calming music….
Not You or I…
It was not you or I
Just circumstances gone wry
It was not you or I
We strayed our paths, combined…
It was not you or I
Hope’s light took with it, our hearts.
It was not you or I
One wing of bat,
one fur-ball of cat,
two tonsils of Jedi’s,
(now’s where is my hat?)
Stir in three slugs,
add two electric plugs,
magic in cauldron-
I peep through the door,
(Glares two stony eyes),
Says he’s the Reaper,
I glide down my cries.
This weren’t the bargain,
I made them wherein,
He’s seven years early,
With no heaven gate pearly.
I shout through the door:
‘Please do come in
but do be aware, I’m a little chagrin.”