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The First Time
It’s daunting, sitting here typing away the first piece of writing I’ve done in -what feels like ages. It’s been like months since I last wrote to you…so much has happened since then; my life warped in-front of my eyes as different lifestyles were thrown at me. All of which I loved, yet was not enough for me to stay… I have become my own martyr -my own hurdle. Where stepping-stones tried to lead me home, I veered off the path, distracted by the many facets of what could be. A Red Riding Hood losing track of time. A child in a candy store. A flightless bird left at sea. A void in a bottomless pit. A nothingness in the sea of digital living. Life’s mysterious endeavours tried to overthrow me. Life did not succeed.
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Mind Matters – Isolation is a Terrible Beast
Dearest readers, as some of you may already know, I am fascinated by the workings of the human mind (always have); with my previous employment (Support Worker) I was fortunate enough to work with and support adults with numerous health conditions -including mental health. I witnessed, first hand, my own prejudice to mental health and also how ‘healthy’ people (within a professional field or not) overlooked (and still do) the simplest of needs these individuals have. Confused? Over the next few weeks/months (let’s see how I feel with my schedule), I hope to shed some light on human nature and how our mental state can develop or falter in certain situations/circumstances. Today I will attempt to analyse how isolation can be detrimental to your health and how a little outside influence can make a difference. Curious to know how? Let me explain.
Before we start, I do hope you have watched the video above (it’s about 6.30 minutes long and worth every viewed second); not watched it yet? Well, we can wait a few more minutes until you do. Ready? Ok then, here goes…
The video is a great example of how the human psyche can deteriorate without any stimulus. I hope in this article I will be able to explain this with clear evidence and insights from my observations on the job and my chance encounters in life with people I’ve met or those who are within my close family/friends circles.
During my time as a Support Worker, I have worked with many elderly and vulnerable adults, all with varying needs (some less, some more); however, what I noticed during my 5 year career-span was that they all had a common need, the need to not be isolated.
Isolated?
Yep, I too used to think that was absurd, surely they have loved ones who look after them and those care homes, they must be great…
Grooming of Another Kind: Kill Me if You Can
Thursday’s Topical Tête-à-Tête: Exploitation through the internet and internet ‘grooming’ is something we are all becoming aware of as the days/weeks/months/years pass by; it is frightening to acknowledge such atrocities are taking place; especially when it involves an innocent child/adolescent. This topic disturbs me to no end therefore, I will not delve too much into it as the direction I want to take is slightly different from the normal discussions surrounding this; however, similarities are likely to be observed.
I watched a documentary a while back, oddly titled Kill Me If You Can (please click on the link (it has a blurb and discussion feed) and take a quiet moment to watch it (or watch it below) -it’s 49 minutes long but it is a must see; I promise you it would be worth your time); why did I watch it? Other than the blurb and the title, the way in which the documentary was filmed piqued my interest (sometimes creativity rules over everything else!); so I watched it till the end and then it got me thinking… (If you still haven’t watched it, now would be the perfect time -unless you are happy about possible spoilers!)
To this day I still wonder if this was a work of fiction rather than an actual criminal case!
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Why it’s cowardly to beat your child…
Thursday’s Topical Tête-à-Tête:
Welcome to another Thursday with Patrick Tulley; again he has written another engaging article, I hope you enjoy it as it is an interesting read.
Warning: Please note this video link contains disturbing images of a child being beaten.
Well many of you have perhaps been made aware of the video above that went viral last week of the judge beating his daughter with a belt. The video goes on for almost 8 minutes. At first I was unable to watch past the second belting, but I finally watched it today in preparation for this post. There is so much to discuss in this video for just one post, but I’m going to relate it to my own personal experience of being beaten myself as a child. The reason that she was given a beating it seems was because she installed a peer to peer program which allowed her to share music files with other users on the internet. Her parents saw this as stealing, which is the justification for her beating, under the guise of discipline As to the rights and wrongs about what she did is not really my question here, since I’m not aware of any punishment we mete out to adults that involves hitting them.
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Sabotage the Community – Sabotage your Work
*Stop Press News*
Before continuing with the actual post, I have some exciting news to share with you: I have been blessed with being interviewed by Mindi Anderson over at meanderfit.com -aptly titled ‘Ozlem Yikici – The London Novelist‘, if you want to find out how the interview went please pop over to Mindi’ blog and have a read -as well as a wander…
My ROW80 Update will follow the article below –scroll down to the end if you do not want to read the next bit (I won’t take any offence –well, I’ll try not to 
).
*Continue*
Just a quick note: I apologise for the silence -I’ve had a tough couple of weeks with low moods and then I was encouraged to mingle with family and friends and babysit Ava therefore; I have been away from my novel, my blog and the social media circuit. Whilst I was away, I hoped my first article back would be on a positive note (about developments on yikici) but I had to speak, silence in a time like this is not good to anyone, here’s my voice, here’s my thoughts…
(As always there is a pdf document at the bottom of the post for those who may find this a difficult read.)
Image sourced from: http://www.thetimes.co.ukSABOTAGE THE COMMUNITY – SABOTAGE YOUR WORK
It has been over a week since the chaos hit the streets of London and then the rest of the UK… As I sat safe indoors, these were the thoughts that transpired…
I sit in front of my laptop (yes I have solved the issue with the broken adaptor); I listen to the sound of the police sirens as they drive past through the streets, in pursuit, in preparation; I hear the helicopter up above, tracking, reporting; I feel helpless… Will a repeat of last night endure or will our Police force prevail… There are plenty of speculations, some have hope, others do not… Is this where humanity has come to -a bunch of youths demolishing, uprooting people’s livelihood -communities trashed, local businesses ruined and homes burned… I ask why…?
I never thought I’d see a day when such violence could violate our streets, our communities; it was like a free-for-all -no rhyme, no reason -although there are others who would have you believe otherwise…where do you stand, what are your thoughts? This topic is vast and may have many underlining reasons behind it and for this purpose; it needs to be discussed to be understood –if possible. This is a tough subject to analyse and for the purpose of this blog I will look at it from an alternative artistic angle as well as it’s gritty form. In some odd ways this has made me think about how we; as artists, writers -creative-beings, how we sabotage our own works -be it intentional or not and with this in mind I plan to tackle this vast, macabre topic and try to mirror it with how we bring that into our works and possibly into our lives.
A BRIEF OVERVIEW
When the news of the rioters hit the screens, I immediately thought it being a little too ironic; what with Rupert Murdoch, the Government and our Police force being questioned. I may have come up with a million and one conspiracy theories in that small space of time (ok maybe I’m exaggerating that a wee bit –possibly a million theories ). It was highly amusing to note that the three key figures, who were needed to address the country and tackle the problem at large, were on annual leave (holiday) and it was uncanny that our Police force seemed outnumbered against the unruly youths. These alone just prompted questions in my mind as I watched various parts of London ransacked, demolished and/or go up in smoke. This all happened as the nation watched. There were various accounts through the media (and reliable sources I know) that certain communities came together and chased the rioters off their streets. Dalston saw a group of Turkish and Kurdish men (young and old) guard their shops/restaurants; Green Street’ Muslim residents said enough is enough as the time for breaking their fast came (it’s the month of Ramadan), they stood firm –the yobs did not linger. By day three of the riots all three key figures returned to the UK and the Police force was strengthened –soon the calm came. With it a beautiful sense of community sprung up; they call themselves Riot Clean Up (follow them on twitter @riotcleanup or their hashtag #riotcleanup). A bunch of volunteers took it on themselves to organise a clean up where needed –a tear came to my eye when I heard; kudos to all who took part and still are spending valuable time in maintaining it. From the chaos a calm settled, from the grim a glorious day -my only hope is that this will get better as I cannot see how this will fare if it gets out of hand.
Image sourced from: http://www.guardian.co.ukSABOTAGE THE COMMUNITY
‘We’re getting back our taxes’ they said to bystanders/reporters as they trashed their neighbourhood; did they not think of the local independent businesses who would suffer from the damage they’ve caused –not to mention who would be pocketing the price of their mayhem. If only ‘getting tax back’ was that simple –I am certain there would have been more riots if it was the case, but sadly it is not and in the end taxpayers will be forking out extra to meet the extra expenses. It angers me, it really does; I understand that maybe some –or maybe the vast majority of communities have been affected by the budget cuts; youth clubs and social enterprises for youngsters has been withdrawn, university fees have rocketed to unmentionable amounts of money; all this does not condone what they did. The more I think about it the more it seems like an act of opportunists jumping in, to riot, loot and rampage. Acting like yobs is not a way forward; all this has done is cause fear in some communities and create a negative impact on independent businesses. What part of this is an admirable feat? It saddens me that our children are part of this ugly episode; they still fight against the police, our society and us. Where they believe they attacked the Government and hindered the tax system –they, in actual-fact, sabotaged our communities and hindered our growth in this slow economic farce. Not to mention how this will affect their family, friends and themselves.
To this day Police sirens can still be heard and it seems that it will continue like so for some time.
Here are some interesting links I’ve stumbled across whilst I was researching information on the riots: British use Social Media to Coordinate Riot Clean Up, Muslims Defend London During London Riots, Communities Rally for Riot Clean Up, The Guardian’ Blog on the Riots, Turks police own district amid rioting.
SABOTAGE YOUR WORK
Copyright © Ozlem Yikici 2011 & Copyright © doodllz™ 2011. All Rights Reserved.The act of sabotage is a nasty bit of work –especially the intentional kind like I’ve mentioned above, but what about the unintentional ones –the ones subconsciously created by you… You know, when you’ve written over 10,000 words on your novel and abruptly decide it is pants and so you throw it in the bin –or, like me, you take up a painting project and become annoyed that a part of the painting does not work, so you decide to trash it (see examples above and below -brownie points for those who notice the apt ‘The End’ sign?). This also can be evident in your life, your relationships, your business, your career –how many times have you ruined it and thought ‘ooops my mistake’. We are prone to sabotage all aspects of our lives and works –even our health. Think of what you may have sabotaged or witnessed as acts of sabotages and let us know your findings.
Copyright © Ozlem Yikici 2011 & Copyright © doodllz™ 2011. All Rights Reserved.ROW80 UPDATE
I have been extremely bad since my last update and not achieved much (just this post –it’s over 1,500 words so I guess that counts for something). I have decided I will create a ROW80 page under the Social Interactions tab and organise my goals there. For the time being I will stick to my goals as planned and any adjustments I make I will make public this Sunday (hopefully). I hope the rest of you ROW80 stars are doing a better job than me –keep the good works going! 
Copyright © Ozlem Yikici 2011 & Copyright © doodllz™ 2011. All Rights Reserved.
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As you already know, thoughts and comments are encouraged as always -even if it is just a word -as ‘all good discussions start with just one word‘.
Pdf document: Sabotage the Community – Sabotage your Work
If there is a topic you would like me to look into and explore in my own yikici-kind-of-way then please feel free to leave a suggestion in the comment box below or for those of you who are a wee bit shy drop me a line via my contact page or email me at ozlem@yikici.co.uk
Radical Honesty & Relationships – An Addendum
Savvy Sunday Salutations:
Welcome to another week with guest blogger Patrick Tulley; last week‘s discussions were so engaging that Patrick decided to post an addendum this week; it certainly opens up the discussion in more detail. I still believe that honesty is the best policy, what are your thoughts? I hope you find this an interesting read as I have. We look forward to your comments.
(As always, there is a pdf document at the bottom of the post for those who may find this a difficult read.)
RADICAL HONESTY & RELATIONSHIPS – AN ADDENDUM
Several commenters’s brought up some interesting points in last week’s post that I thought were worth attaching as an addendum this week. In many ways these points have been reflected in a few of my previous posts, but a little more detail regarding ‘radical honesty’ I felt would be useful in tying them altogether more coherently. What’s interesting is that this addendum is now longer than my original post. Anyway, I hope it explains any discrepancies that you may have had with last week’s post.
1 – Obligations
‘Honesty is the best policy’
We have all heard the expression above, but what is it suggesting? Well for the most part it is saying honesty by definition is a virtuous act. But is it really? Cannot dishonesty be virtuous too? In order for a philosophical concept to work, it is first required to be consistent. I believe I can prove this from a philosophical perspective myself. This is also, where we touch on the more ethical nature of our choices to be honest or not. I hope it makes sense.
Honesty accepts that you have an obligation to be honest. However, the obligations we are faced with may well have been either ‘unchosen’ or a ‘chosen’ one. There is an important distinction between them in order for us to best understand our decision whether to be honest or dishonest.
Negative Unchosen Obligation
Much like the analogy, I made with the murderer and my story about skipping school. Both parties are faced with an obligation to be honest that was forced upon them. The murderer demands to know where your wife is so he can commit an act of violence against someone you love. Sending the murderer in the opposite direction would be considered both dishonest and virtuous simultaneously, insofar as you would be averting an act of violence against another. Unless the murderer is directly threatening the husband, then it would be hard to accept their decision to tell the truth as virtuous, if they sent him the correct way.
Regarding my choice to lie about skipping school, whilst it may share some similarities with the murderer analogy, there are some core differences. Firstly, I was forced to go to school, whether I wanted to or not. The obligation was imposed on me from the start. My choice whether I went to school or not cannot be considered either as virtuous or un-virtuous, since this would be merely my preference in deciding whether I went to school or not. However, when I chose to lie about my whereabouts that day in order to stave off some physical punishment, my dishonesty can be viewed as a virtuous act. Why? Well, whilst I have no positive obligation to go to school, other than my fear of punishment, my dishonesty averted a violent act against me. Wherever coercion is being applied to obligate us to tell the truth then there is nothing virtuous in telling them the truth. The person coercing us into truth telling is nothing more than a mugger demanding our wallet.
Positive Chosen Obligation
These are the obligations that we choose for ourselves. They are obligations for which responsibilities are placed upon us by choice. The important difference to the previous obligation is that we ‘choose’ these responsibilities; they are not forced upon us. If I choose to work for an employer and decide to skip a day from work without informing them, then they have a right to ask me where I was, since we both agreed to my coming into work at a certain time. Whilst I could lie and say, I was lost at sea or in an accident unable to reach them by phone. My decision to lie can be viewed as un-virtuous, since I decided to lie about something I had positively chosen to abide by. If I tell my employer the truth that I just didn’t feel like coming in and my employer decides to fire me, then he is perfectly within his rights according to the contract we both agreed to. It would be their choice, since I was the one that broke the agreement. Similarly, as one of last week’s commenter’s suggested, if I elect to own a pet, then I am obliged to feed it and give them some ability to exercise. If I decide to not feed that animal, then I am responsible for its subsequent dying of hunger.
Children
Perhaps the most important positive obligation we can give ourselves is to have children. This subject probably deserves a whole blog post of its own, but I will attempt to condense it for this particular post. Our relationship with our children whilst entirely chosen by the parent is an unchosen one for the child. We’ve all heard a teenager complain to a parent, ‘I never chose to be born’. Well, it’s true, they didn’t. Perhaps they would have preferred some other persons to be their parents. This means that parents have a special responsibility to their children, insofar as they need to recognise their children’s ‘unchosen’ obligation to them. It requires an exceptional kind of care that you may not apply to other relationships in your life. This is because they are very vulnerable for at least the first 16 to 18 years of their life and wholly reliant on the parent to protect them. This relationship effectively trumps all others because of this unique responsibility.
2 – Appropriate honesty
This was an interesting question raised in last week’s comments thread. It raised the issue of how much honesty should we give a person at the beginning of a relationship. Opening up the most vulnerable parts about yourself can be viewed as inappropriate before levels of realistic trust have been formed between them. I completely agree with this, but I wouldn’t suggest that this kind of honesty was ‘radical’; it merely reflects a dysfunction in that person and most likely a display of ‘un-met’ needs, which I will come to in a moment. Radical honesty is about understanding your own feelings as much as the other. It requires empathic skills to decide whether this new person is actually worthy of your complete honesty. For instance if I decide to engage with someone I have knowingly seen to be aggressive and irrational and I express some doubts about their behaviour, then I am likely to experience some great hostility from them. Likewise, if I decide to share my most innermost thoughts with someone I only just met, I can hardly be surprised if they then go and tell others about them. These are all signs of a lack of empathy, which probably stem from neglect that some of us experienced as children. Honesty is risky and should only be shared with those that have proved themselves to be trustworthy.
Un-met Needs
These are needs that children desire as they grow up, such as care, empathy, understanding and truth. If some of these were missing in your childhood, then it’s highly likely you will look for people that mirrored your experience as a child; in the unconscious hope they will finally meet those needs for you. Generally this often means you approach relationship building in a dysfunctional way and rather than having those un-met needs being satisfied, they are often more likely to be compounded further.
3 – Culture
I touched on this two weeks ago in Relationships, Friendship & Attraction. There are a lot of myths that surrounds how we approach our relationships and indeed how we hold onto them. We have all seen the endless movies with the guy getting the girl at the very end against all adversity. Culture has endless quotes that seemingly show relationships as this kind of fantastical adventure.
Love will conquer all
Unconditional love
Friendship is forever
Soul mate
Love is often given some mythological status, as if it doesn’t really require any earning and is found more by luck than by judgement. Often these cultural references only serve to hinder and compound dysfunctional behaviour in us. This is why as a philosopher I am always wary of culture and which is why you should be also.
There is a lot more I could say on this subject and indeed, I will in the weeks to come. What constitutes a healthy relationship I feel are generally our ‘shared values’. What those values are exactly I will certainly be discussing in a later post. For now I hope that both this week and last week’s post go a long way into giving you a better understanding of what I have described as ‘radical honesty’. I would also like to thank Joey, Ozlem and Lori for their contribution to this week’s post. As always, the very best of luck to you all.
Free PDF of Real-Time Relationships
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Copyright © Patrick Tulley 2011 – All Rights Reserved.
Thoughts and comments are encouraged as always.
Pdf document: Radical Honesty & Relationships – An Addendum
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PATRICK TULLEY: PHILOSOPHER, AMATEUR WRITER
My name is Patrick Tulley. I am primarily a philosopher and an amateur writer but also have been a painter and sculptor in the past. My background has been quite varied, as I have lived abroad on and off during my 20′s, been in a number of different professions throughout my life. More recently, I have been working as a private consultant within the public sector.
Since philosophy is my preferred interest; it is always something I rigorously apply to all my thinking and writing. Whilst I am knowledgeable about abstract philosophy, I am not particularly interested in taking that route. Philosophy is about the search for truth, it was always meant to be understandable by everyday people -this does not mean dumbing down the ideas of course. It just means I do not allow myself to get sidetracked by too many inconsequential arguments, often referred to as lifeboat scenarios. I tend towards the more Aristotelian and Socratic methods of philosophy, but I also have interests in Hume, Nietzsche and Rand. Philosophy has been a wonderful and fulfilling part of my life; it’s often been a very misunderstood subject -which I hope to discuss in future posts. I also enjoy reviewing art, literature, music and passing comments on culture, news and personal experiences that I have found both interesting and enlightening. I do not have a particular interest in politics –however; I may discuss my reasons with you sporadically throughout this blog. Overall, this is hoped to be a journal about a philosophical life. I hope you will enjoy my outlook on things and look forward to hearing your comments and thoughts along the way. I would also like to thank Ozlem for giving me this opportunity to have a voice on her blog.
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Disclaimer; whilst we (guest bloggers and I) do not set about to intentionally upset visitors to the site; I understand some of the topics discussed/raised may touch nerves. Please note I will do my utmost to screen these posts before I post them however; I do believe in freedom of speech and I would hate to limit someone because they think differently to me or have different values from mine. Therefore, I urge you to have some understanding and an open mind before jumping in and causing a scene without it being constructive. Like I said, Patrick and I do have difference of opinions and on most cases we agree to disagree but at the same time we also respect the others’ thoughts and views -after all we do live in a civilized world; with this in mind I hope we will have more cultivated and engaging discussions. One last note to all: Here on yikici I have aimed to keep posts and discussions clean; I am not a fan of words that are disrespectful and disparaging therefore, I will not condone its’ use here on yikici; I do hope you share my views on this –if not, at least can respect them.
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Thoughts and comments are encouraged as always.
Pdf document: Radical Honesty & Relationships – An Addendum
Radical Honesty & Relationships
Savvy Sunday Salutations:
Welcome to another week with guest blogger Patrick Tulley; last week Patrick talked about Empathy and the week before he discussed Relationships, Friendship & Attraction; this week Patrick takes these thoughts one step forward and talks about how honesty works and should work within a relationship. I too believe honesty is the best policy, I hope you find this enlightening and should you have any thoughts or want to share your own insights please do so. Enjoy!
(As always there is a pdf document at the bottom of the post for those who may find this a difficult read.)
RADICAL HONESTY & RELATIONSHIPS
I’ve talked a lot about the subject of self awareness and in particular how that can affect our relationships. This week I want to look at what constitutes a healthy relationship. Where are the pitfalls we face in nurturing longer lasting and more pleasurable relationships in our lives. Does it lie within radical honesty? Well let’s see and I’ll let your relationships be the best judge of that.
Honesty is often seen as a virtue in today’s world and certainly there are aspects to honesty that can be virtuous, but honesty at all costs? Really? I ask this because I think we can all agree that if some guy was looking to murder your wife, would it be wrong to send him in the wrong direction? I think not. So honesty can come with a cost. We have an expression known as a ‘white lie’. This is often used as a way to rationalise being dishonest at times. For instance I recall being accused of skipping school along with a fellow pupil once. This was true in my case, but when asked to admit to the misdemeanour, I took the opportunity of lying and said that I had been unwell and been in bed all day. The other pupil burst into tears and admitted to it. It was he that got six strokes of the cane that day and not me. Since my father worked long hours and my mother was staying with a friend that week, I knew there was little chance of me being found out. Sure, I took a risk my father would be angry that I never told him, but then again my father only usually gave me three beatings and not six. As it turned out, the school never challenged my account and I never heard anything more about it. As far as my dishonesty goes that day, I have no problem with my lying. What gave those teachers the right to beat me with a cane is beyond me frankly. We don’t beat our employees after they take a day off work without informing us. We have more civilised ways of dealing with such a situation. However, I certainly sympathise with the other poor lad for sure, regrettably for him he didn’t have such a good cover story as mine.
Copyright – Leo SevignySo when do we consider honesty as a virtue then? Of course we should apply honesty in our working life if we are to maintain a good reputation and not jeopardise our future careers. However, more importantly it applies to those we hold in high regard, such as our family or friends and in particular our partners and children. But this is perhaps where we often find honesty the hardest, within our personal relationships. Telling the closest people in our lives how we really feel about them is sometimes really hard. In fact, very often the thought of expressing our honest feelings to them can be very frightening. This can also be true of our working relationships as well. Some people find it enormously difficult to express a preference or criticise constructively a situation that happens to them at work. This has the negative effect of them not usually ever progressing much in their careers and stagnating in a job they end up despising, but often terrified they will lose. Honesty is not just about telling the truth, it’s about taking control of our lives and being confident about improving it. Regardless of the small decline in divorce rates in recent years, the figures still mean that around 125,000 couples divorce each year in the UK alone. These are the relationships that have been pushed to their absolute limits of course. I can safely say without much uncertainty there is a significantly higher figure that are experiencing marital difficulties that will likely just plod along with their marriage in quiet desperation. Unable to let go of their marriage, but equally unable or unwilling to resolve it either.
Without honesty within our personal relationships, they are unlikely to survive. Honesty is the very bedrock that holds them together. Without it, we lose our trust, faith and respect in each other. These may sound grandiose ingredients to some people of course, but they are actually vital for healthy relationships in general. Of course relationships come in tiers, insofar as some are on different levels, dependent on the amount of intimacy we share. We could split them up in this way perhaps.
- Partner & Children*
- Family
- Friends
- Working relationships
- Acquaintances
- Strangers
*Children can and should take precedence over a poor relationship with your partner, given that that they are more vulnerable of course.
Now some of you may argue that friends might be as important or even more so than family. But I would strongly urge you to check your reasons for that. If it’s because you feel you can trust your friends more than your family, then you have a problem straight away. Why don’t you trust your family? This is particularly marked when you believe you can trust a friend more than your husband for instance. If this is true for you, then I would suggest something needs to be done in terms of honesty if you want to mend those relationships. In theory families, partners and our children are probably the most important relationships we will ever have in our lives. After all they are the people we spend most time with than any other. I’m not necessarily meaning extended family here, but certainly parents and siblings I think we can consider as family within these terms. Some of you may feel, ‘no way!’ and perhaps for good reason. Like I said before, honesty at all costs? If you know a family member or partner not to be trusted, then fine, that is not for me to question. However, where I would question you would be if you still had these people in your life. To what end do you consider them worthy of your time and effort? In many ways it is the lack of honesty from both parties that cause many a petty or deep seated resentment amongst them. Telling your partner or a family member how you feel about them and how you would prefer to feel about them is a stepping stone towards resolving any disputes you may both have. Of course this needs to be reciprocated in turn and you may have to face some important criticism yourself. Likewise if they don’t respond favourably towards you expressing your feelings then you may need to make a difficult decision with them in the long term. Honesty cuts two ways of course and if one party is unwilling then it is hardly the responsibility of the person trying to make amends to accept the status quo and remain within the relationship.
I think it’s well worth considering of course, that dependent on where you place a person in terms of intimacy largely dictates the amount of honesty you might give them. For instance if you know a work colleagues partner is having an affair, it probably won’t help you if you tell them. Chances are they probably know and won’t thank you for pointing it out to them. Or if they don’t know you could be faced with taking the flak for their diverted rage with their partner, which will face you with a fresh set of challenges at work, which you could have avoided. However, if a close friend’s wife was having an affair then I think you should be able to tell them. If they react negatively towards you, then you kind of know that you misplaced the importance you gave that relationship in the first place. If we are unable to be criticised constructively by our friends, then how do we learn about ourselves better. A great friend is one who is willing to say, ‘hey man, have you noticed this about yourself, what do you think?’ Often it is the advice of a good friend that may have headed off some difficulties you may have faced in future. The degree of honesty you apply to your relationships is the degree to which you value them and consider yourself objectively as valued back. Some values you may share with acquaintances as with all your relationships. But because those relationships are of lesser importance to us, we don’t need to start exploring for the differences necessarily.
Is this a radical way to approach our relationships? Perhaps so, but compared to the mess that dishonesty can bring us within our closest relationships, at its worst divorce even, I think it’s well worth considering. A book by Stefan Molyneux that I read some years ago which faced me with these new challenges called Real-Time Relationships is where I would first recommend studying this approach to your relationships. It is available as a free PDF or can be bought as a paperback if you click the picture cover below. Of course one of the first relationships you have, which I failed to mention, is with yourself, which this book will explore in detail with you. Being honest with ourselves is probably the one person we should never consider as unworthy of honesty. As to do so will merely be reflected in the friendships we keep. As always the very best of luck to you.
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Copyright © Patrick Tulley 2011 – All Rights Reserved.
Thoughts and comments are encouraged as always.
Pdf document: Radical Honesty & Relationships
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PATRICK TULLEY: PHILOSOPHER, AMATEUR WRITER
My name is Patrick Tulley. I am primarily a philosopher and an amateur writer but also have been a painter and sculptor in the past. My background has been quite varied, as I have lived abroad on and off during my 20′s, been in a number of different professions throughout my life. More recently, I have been working as a private consultant within the public sector.
Since philosophy is my preferred interest; it is always something I rigorously apply to all my thinking and writing. Whilst I am knowledgeable about abstract philosophy, I am not particularly interested in taking that route. Philosophy is about the search for truth, it was always meant to be understandable by everyday people -this does not mean dumbing down the ideas of course. It just means I do not allow myself to get sidetracked by too many inconsequential arguments, often referred to as lifeboat scenarios. I tend towards the more Aristotelian and Socratic methods of philosophy, but I also have interests in Hume, Nietzsche and Rand. Philosophy has been a wonderful and fulfilling part of my life; it’s often been a very misunderstood subject -which I hope to discuss in future posts. I also enjoy reviewing art, literature, music and passing comments on culture, news and personal experiences that I have found both interesting and enlightening. I do not have a particular interest in politics –however; I may discuss my reasons with you sporadically throughout this blog. Overall, this is hoped to be a journal about a philosophical life. I hope you will enjoy my outlook on things and look forward to hearing your comments and thoughts along the way. I would also like to thank Ozlem for giving me this opportunity to have a voice on her blog.
***
Disclaimer; whilst we (guest bloggers and I) do not set about to intentionally upset visitors to the site; I understand some of the topics discussed/raised may touch nerves. Please note I will do my utmost to screen these posts before I post them however; I do believe in freedom of speech and I would hate to limit someone because they think differently to me or have different values from mine. Therefore, I urge you to have some understanding and an open mind before jumping in and causing a scene without it being constructive. Like I said, Patrick and I do have difference of opinions and on most cases we agree to disagree but at the same time we also respect the others’ thoughts and views -after all we do live in a civilized world; with this in mind I hope we will have more cultivated and engaging discussions. One last note to all: Here on yikici I have aimed to keep posts and discussions clean; I am not a fan of words that are disrespectful and disparaging therefore, I will not condone its’ use here on yikici; I do hope you share my views on this –if not, at least can respect them.
***
Thoughts and comments are encouraged as always.
Pdf document: Radical Honesty & Relationships
Empathy
Savvy Sunday Salutations:
Welcome to another week with guest blogger Patrick Tulley; last week he talked about Relationships, Friendship & Attraction and how we engage with people and what our reasons are for forming friendships/relationships etc; this week Patrick talks about empathy and what it is (I sense he’s flagged this up because I may be using it incorrectly in my writings! -Is that true? Only you can be the judge of that ). I found this an easy read; I hope you do too! Now it’s over to you Pat.
(As always there is a pdf document at the bottom of the post for those who may find this a difficult read.)
EMPATHY
I want to talk about empathy this week. A regularly misunderstood term and I think for good reason as well, which I will attempt to explore in this post. We use empathy probably more times than we care to think. In fact a lot of empathy comes deep from within our unconscious minds. But it’s an important part of how we interact with the world around us.
Sympathy
Empathy is often mistaken for sympathy. Whilst there are some similarities, the differences are quite stark. Having sympathy for a person is to understand a persons pain. Whilst it requires empathy in order to get there, it is specific to this definition. So when we feel sympathetic we have an emotional reaction towards another person’s pain. In a sense it’s like sharing the feelings of that pain. This is quite different to empathy of course. You could be a very empathic person, but not be moved to sympathy at all.
Copyright – Kheng Guan TohEmpathy is about understanding an interaction you are having with either a group or one individual in any given environment. It’s about recognising dangers, safety and personality types. That’s why for instance, when a woman walking alone down a dark street is hollered at by a group of men, that her heart rate increases and she quickens her pace as she responds to her anxiety. These are empathic reactions to a potentially dangerous situation. Those guys hollering at her are very aware of her response to their whooping. They use their understanding of empathy in order to get this reaction, most likely for some sadistic pleasure. So empathy is an important tool we have to gauge signals from others in order to know how best to respond to them. As the above example shows, empathy can be used for both good and bad purposes.
My previous example is a very clear way in which we can understand empathy. It doesn’t require much in the way of thought to recognise these signals and act accordingly. What I have found particularly fascinating is the more subtle forms of empathy we experience in our everyday lives. These are not the extreme or dangerous situations that occur, but very often the environments where we feel most comfortable, such as at work or with our friends. Most of us know how to behave in a social situation apart from say the most unconscious of people. What was surprising for me, was just how little I was aware of my emphatic feelings in these situations. There is a surprising amount of passive aggression and self-attack, even amongst so called polite circles. I know I have used self-attack a number of times in my posts, but it’s an important phenomenon to be aware of. Particularly since passive aggression cannot exist without self attack. The two go very much hand in glove with each other.
I had an experience at work, after the Japanese tsunami back in February. I don’t listen much to the news, so I wasn’t entirely aware of what had happened. Returning to work after the weekend I happened to take a look at the BBC website and was pretty shocked to hear that 2,000 bodies had been found washed ashore in the wake of the disaster. When I turned to my colleague and expressed my horror he then told me about a friend he had in Japan whose bar had been washed away with the wave. I felt some sympathy for his friend and asked him how he was coping. He replied, ‘well he is fine, but some of his customers keep floating in from time to time’. My reaction was to laugh, but not because I thought it was funny. In fact I was pretty annoyed by him and I think for good reason. Now, not let it be said that Patrick doesn’t have a sense of humour, I do and it can be as dark as the next persons. But wow did I feel like a dickhead for a brief moment after his last comment. Within the space of three minutes I had heard about a truly horrific story of mass carnage. Only to be lured into a colleague’s story about a fictitious friend who was caught up in the disaster, to then being swiftly rebutted by a poorly timed joke. I say poorly timed, as in a different situation I might have found the joke to actually be funny. Describing it as poorly timed also gives my colleague the excuse for being inept with his social skills, which he wasn’t I can assure you.
So what did happen in that interaction? Why did I find myself feeling conned and slightly annoyed? Well I think it’s interesting that I described myself as a ‘dickhead’, as it’s not a particularly nice way to describe oneself. So when I use a derogatory expression against myself, I always ask myself why? I believe this came down to two reasons. My colleague was entirely aware of what I was feeling the moment I expressed my shock to him. If his experience of this event was to ask me not to talk about it, I would have understood and complied with his wishes. But no he preferred to prolong my experience further with his little story, whereby he would deliberately access my sympathy further. It was only upon his conclusion that I was able to fully understand his intention. This was to passively humiliate me for showing sympathy for such an horrific event. It was to infer that my feelings were stupid and inconsequential. Calling oneself a dickhead is a humiliating thing to say about yourself of course. But that was how I felt in that moment, ‘humiliated’. My response to laugh at his tactic was of course my way of avoiding further humiliation. This is because there is a clever play on words (language let’s say) when people use passive aggression. I say clever, when I really mean ‘stone cold’ genius. If I was to complain about what he said, his response would have been to say, ‘hey Pat, it was just a joke, no harm done’, which would have entailed me experiencing further humiliation for being perceived as overly sensitive. Because he wasn’t using direct (rude) language to humiliate me, he was able to be more subtle about his aggression towards me with relative impunity. However, I still felt annoyed and irritated by him, which would be the normal reaction with someone who had been more overtly aggressive. The second and perhaps most important reason I felt humiliated was because I already knew he would react that way. Why did I know? Well I had experienced him with other people around the office. It was fairly obvious this chap often used humour to humiliate people. So I had a swift lesson in learning not to ignore my empathy with people again in future.
To a large degree this is the culture we live in. People act out this kind of behaviour very often from an unconscious place. However, pointing out this bad behaviour in people allows them be evasive and direct blame back onto their victim. This is the part that is the most interesting of course, because it works. A lot of victims of passive aggression will usually blame themselves for their own perceived stupidity in being humiliated. It’s a bait and switch many of us probably learned in our childhoods. It’s a form of dissociation that shields us from the humiliating feelings. That’s why many of you are often convinced you didn’t feel humiliated in these situations. So it’s often futile trying to correct passive aggressive people, because many people will just support them regardless. To find out whether you yourself dissociate, then break down a similar experience to mine and decide for yourself.
Empathy starts with yourself first and then with others. It’s about asking yourself, how do I feel and then what do I experience from this other person or persons. Unfortunately it’s a process many of us have to relearn, which is why at first it can seem so insurmountable. Keep applying my method and you will eventually begin to become more empathic about yourself and the people around you. If you find yourself dismissing your feelings as wrong or bad, then you are dissociating. Feelings are never bad or wrong, they are a signal often from your unconscious telling you something useful. In fairness my method does require a degree of introspection, which in turn can be helped along enormously with therapy. Empathy is a very powerful skill that protects us, even enriches us. Understanding this skill to a higher level will help improve your jobs, relationships and life in general, so it’s well worth pursuing. As always, best of luck.
***
Copyright © Patrick Tulley 2011 – All Rights Reserved.
Thoughts and comments are encouraged as always.
Pdf document: Empathy
***
PATRICK TULLEY: PHILOSOPHER, AMATEUR WRITER
My name is Patrick Tulley. I am primarily a philosopher and an amateur writer but also have been a painter and sculptor in the past. My background has been quite varied, as I have lived abroad on and off during my 20′s, been in a number of different professions throughout my life. More recently, I have been working as a private consultant within the public sector.
Since philosophy is my preferred interest; it is always something I rigorously apply to all my thinking and writing. Whilst I am knowledgeable about abstract philosophy, I am not particularly interested in taking that route. Philosophy is about the search for truth, it was always meant to be understandable by everyday people -this does not mean dumbing down the ideas of course. It just means I do not allow myself to get sidetracked by too many inconsequential arguments, often referred to as lifeboat scenarios. I tend towards the more Aristotelian and Socratic methods of philosophy, but I also have interests in Hume, Nietzsche and Rand. Philosophy has been a wonderful and fulfilling part of my life; it’s often been a very misunderstood subject -which I hope to discuss in future posts. I also enjoy reviewing art, literature, music and passing comments on culture, news and personal experiences that I have found both interesting and enlightening. I do not have a particular interest in politics –however; I may discuss my reasons with you sporadically throughout this blog. Overall, this is hoped to be a journal about a philosophical life. I hope you will enjoy my outlook on things and look forward to hearing your comments and thoughts along the way. I would also like to thank Ozlem for giving me this opportunity to have a voice on her blog.
***
Disclaimer; whilst we (guest bloggers and I) do not set about to intentionally upset visitors to the site; I understand some of the topics discussed/raised may touch nerves. Please note I will do my utmost to screen these posts before I post them however; I do believe in freedom of speech and I would hate to limit someone because they think differently to me or have different values from mine. Therefore, I urge you to have some understanding and an open mind before jumping in and causing a scene without it being constructive. Like I said, Patrick and I do have difference of opinions and on most cases we agree to disagree but at the same time we also respect the others’ thoughts and views -after all we do live in a civilized world; with this in mind I hope we will have more cultivated and engaging discussions. One last note to all: Here on yikici I have aimed to keep posts and discussions clean; I am not a fan of words that are disrespectful and disparaging therefore, I will not condone its’ use here on yikici; I do hope you share my views on this –if not, at least can respect them.
***
Thoughts and comments are encouraged as always.
Pdf document: Empathy
Relationships, Friendship & Attraction
Savvy Sunday Salutations: Welcome to another week with guest blogger Patrick Tulley; we had a great response last week (thank you for your interest). Patrick talked about Bullying, Self-Attack & Panic Attacks and toyed with the idea of how these individual elements can be linked (based on personal experiences); this week Patrick talks about Relationships, friendships & attraction and the reasons we get to interact with people. I am fascinated how people engage with one and another and always try to understand what is going on behind the scenes -so to speak; so it is no surprise I found this an interesting read.
(As always there is a pdf document at the bottom of the post for those who may find this a difficult read.)
RELATIONSHIPS, FRIENDSHIPS & ATTRACTION
An interesting conversation I had with a friend this week reminded me of a very difficult aspect of myself that I have began to surmount over recent years. That is of recognising my own qualities and weaknesses when interacting with other people, in particular with my friends and more importantly, my motives for having a relationship in the first place. Of course, the obvious reasons are for fun, sharing, intimacy and eventually love. However, there are quite a lot of historical and psychological decisions that go into choosing friends, more than I ever imagined at first. This is perhaps even truer when it comes to romantic relationships. Actually romantic relationships are probably the best and most fertile area you can explore about yourself and your choices in friends. I have talked about my time in therapy and so understanding my motives for relationships in the past has led me to having more fulfilling relationships now. I will add of course, that I still often struggle with these issues. So I am, for all intents and purposes a work in progress still.
Attraction
What attract us to others are many things of course and often seemingly complex. They can be historical reasons that stem from our childhoods, but they can also be cultural too. Lastly of course being beauty, often the strongest aphrodisiac when it comes to choosing partners, but often a feature we can apply to our friends as well. These I would argue are the three factors that tend to govern our choices of friends and partners.
Culture
So what of culture? Well of course, there are many strands within culture itself. It might be religion, politics, music, language, clothes, lifestyle, national identity, sport or any combination of these things and more. Our inclusion within any of these cultural groups is often a reason why our friends choose us above others and vice versa. So what is culture? Now here is where perhaps I go out on a limb. Partly because I understand how important culture can be for people. But please bear with me, as I attempt to apply some philosophical thinking to it. All culture is made up and imagined. Culture only exists in our minds. It is neither tangible nor real like that of an object. It is quite simply a concept as such. Now that’s not to say that culture doesn’t have a big impact on people’s lives, it clearly does. Take any football stadium throughout Europe and you will see tens of thousands of people cheering manically for their football team. All of those fans at one stage in their life had to say, ‘I support this team’, but why? Well for many of them it was possibly an accident of birth. For instance if you were born and raised in the suburb of Moss Side in Manchester you’re likely to be a Manchester City fan. However, many fans made their choice of team based on their parent’s preference. Although I was born in Ipswich in the UK, I never recall living there, as I left within 18 months of my new life. My father carried on supporting them, so when I was of age, I too would become a supporter of Ipswich Town. An unlucky choice many of you may be chuckling. In all cases with all culture, we have to make a choice about which parts we like and which parts we don’t. More often than not the prevailing culture of where we live and whom we interact with, often dictate those preferences, but many of them we choose deliberately from our own predilection. Football teams, nations, fashion style, music genres and political ideology are merely concepts and do not exist as objective reality, say like the tree in your backyard does or the sand in the desert. Although I don’t think there is anything intrinsically wrong in making friends based on these concepts. Sharing a language has a practical application, but if we share a different language by choice but also have different languages culturally, how important is that a feature for our friends or lovers? So whilst culture may have some practical aspects to them, its worthwhile remembering they are just merely constructs of the mind. Finally asking yourself, how important is the concept I have in choosing great friends.
Beauty
Now much is claimed when it comes to beauty, so I want to be brief, as much of it correlates with what I said about culture. Beauty is certainly a powerful attractant in of itself. Much of this has to do with biology and a person’s capacity to bare or rear children. Biologically we are programmed to make sure our offspring have the best chance of survival. So having a beautiful partner will mean the same for our children. Like culture though, beauty is just an accident of birth. Either you have it or you don’t. Whatever the biological benefits, which really only apply to partners themselves and not friends. Whilst I don’t want to ignore its potency, how important a factor is it, when it comes to choosing a lifelong partner and in particular friends?
History
I touched on this topic in last week’s blog; in the final paragraphs about my relationships and how my childhood experience had influenced those choices. Without repeating what I said there again. If we are not aware of the impact our childhood experience had on us, we are likely to be making poor decisions, detrimental ones even, when it come to our own relationships of all kinds. Now this may not be strictly true, since if your experience was a good one, then you will be probably making better choices. The trouble with childhood experience though, is that much of it is unconscious. Very often, the child dissociates from incidents in their lives in order to cope better with traumatic events that happen to them. There is one way you can discern whether you are ignoring that history. Ask yourself how much does ‘culture’ and ‘beauty’ influence your choices’ in friends. Whilst I agree it is not empirical, it might provide you with some useful clues as to where your choices are coming from. If either or both of them dominate your choices’, I would suggest that you are indeed ignoring your childhood history. A history that probably doesn’t bear repeating itself, either for you, but especially for your children.
Culture and beauty tend to have this ability of patching up great holes in our lives that we acquired in childhood. Having said that, I am not suggesting we should be without culture or beauty entirely. I enjoy watching an exciting football match as much as I like wearing nice clothes too. I also like to be physically attracted to my partner as well. It’s only that, if we seek our life’s ‘value’ in only these areas, we are surly missing out on friendships of great depth, warmth, intimacy and joy. There are aspects to this that I would like to discuss further another time, but for now, why not explore this area of your life. I have posted links to two great books that can help you explore your childhood past more effectively. By no means are they definitive, but they will lead you to a better and more clearer understanding of yourself. As always, best of luck.
***
Copyright © Patrick Tulley 2011 – All Rights Reserved.
Thoughts and comments are encouraged as always.
Pdf document: Relationships, Friendship & Attraction
***
PATRICK TULLEY: PHILOSOPHER, AMATEUR WRITER
My name is Patrick Tulley. I am primarily a philosopher and an amateur writer but also have been a painter and sculptor in the past. My background has been quite varied, as I have lived abroad on and off during my 20′s, been in a number of different professions throughout my life. More recently, I have been working as a private consultant within the public sector.
Since philosophy is my preferred interest; it is always something I rigorously apply to all my thinking and writing. Whilst I am knowledgeable about abstract philosophy, I am not particularly interested in taking that route. Philosophy is about the search for truth, it was always meant to be understandable by everyday people -this does not mean dumbing down the ideas of course. It just means I do not allow myself to get sidetracked by too many inconsequential arguments, often referred to as lifeboat scenarios. I tend towards the more Aristotelian and Socratic methods of philosophy, but I also have interests in Hume, Nietzsche and Rand. Philosophy has been a wonderful and fulfilling part of my life; it’s often been a very misunderstood subject -which I hope to discuss in future posts. I also enjoy reviewing art, literature, music and passing comments on culture, news and personal experiences that I have found both interesting and enlightening. I do not have a particular interest in politics –however; I may discuss my reasons with you sporadically throughout this blog. Overall, this is hoped to be a journal about a philosophical life. I hope you will enjoy my outlook on things and look forward to hearing your comments and thoughts along the way. I would also like to thank Ozlem for giving me this opportunity to have a voice on her blog.
***
Disclaimer; whilst we (guest bloggers and I) do not set about to intentionally upset visitors to the site; I understand some of the topics discussed/raised may touch nerves. Please note I will do my utmost to screen these posts before I post them however; I do believe in freedom of speech and I would hate to limit someone because they think differently to me or have different values from mine. Therefore, I urge you to have some understanding and an open mind before jumping in and causing a scene without it being constructive. Like I said, Patrick and I do have difference of opinions and on most cases we agree to disagree but at the same time we also respect the others’ thoughts and views -after all we do live in a civilized world; with this in mind I hope we will have more cultivated and engaging discussions. One last note to all: Here on yikici I have aimed to keep posts and discussions clean; I am not a fan of words that are disrespectful and disparaging therefore, I will not condone its’ use here on yikici; I do hope you share my views on this –if not, at least can respect them.
***
Thoughts and comments are encouraged as always.
Pdf document: Relationships, Friendship & Attraction
My Encounter with Fate!
Monday’s Meandering Muse: I am sitting looking blankly at the screen; I am unsure what to write -well I know what I want to write; I just don’t have a clue how to write it (it seems my inspiration muse has deserted me -not the best moments for my muse to do that; let me see what I can come up with without her). Maybe I should start with a prompt…
(As always there is a pdf document at the bottom of the post for those who may find this a difficult read.)
“Fate – everything happens for a reason. And when fate happens look for the good in it as it is there.”
This is very true; I try to remind myself of this all the time. Sometimes when something happens beyond our control and it is not the desired outcome we become disgruntled and moan about how life is unkind to us. We rarely think of what it is fate has presented to us; we do not look with unclouded eyes; we do not allow the haze to clear so we see the other possibilities -we do not see clearly until the very last minute and then when we do, the relief sets in; wouldn’t it be great if we did not worry about what has happened; but embrace what opportunities are ahead of us? Why think the cup is half empty when it could be just half full.
You may ask why I am talking about fate… Well, asides from the fact that I am fascinated by the concept of fate I have had to look at it a bit more deeply than normal recently, why? Well I have recently just been made redundant due to the recent Government spending cuts; I know the news sounds terrible when you hear it like that but; there is a silver lining behind it; this development has enabled me to think more clearly with what I have been living through the last few years and I believe I have had an epiphany with this current upheaval in my life. All the missing pieces of the puzzle finally(ish) fit into place and makes sense -please note, it is not my intention to say anything untoward to my past employers; I enjoyed working there heaps (see fact no 6 on post Awards? -Aww *Blushes* -You Shouldn’t Have!); it has given me insight to a lot of things and helped me understand myself and my needs.
In brief; I started work, part-time, as a Support Worker about five years ago (bizarrely; July 24th 2011 will be five years to the day -talk about coincidences!); I loved it -the variety; being able to find solutions for those who really needed it; being proactive and above all having a wonderful team to work with! So when I was offered a full-time post think of the joy I felt -I was ecstatic! I never saw it coming; my attention to detail; my ethos in life: give %100; ensure the work done is perfect; my empathetic nature -they all were a concoction of potions waiting to become a disaster; individually they are great but collectively it was to undo the essence of me -I would only realise this three years too late. At this point, a normal person would just despair and worry to what will happen next; maybe we just need to have a fresh outlook on life…
“Do not worry about the future for it is not yet come. Live each day in the present and make it beautiful.”
Stressing about what could be, how things may work out; rarely does any good -other than cause your health serious harm! So if you do not want to be well, then maybe you should just continue the way you know best; keep worrying… -I am not saying that to be mean; it’s just a true fact -we are all guilty of it (including me). I am a huge worry wart; if I can worry about anything -I do so without thinking; it automatically sets in (well I am trying to kick that habit; but having empathy does not help -especially in the line of work I have been in; my mind rarely switched off I was constantly thinking of what might happen if I was not about). It’s tough -I know! By worrying we forget about the most precious gift we have: today -with today we can do anything and things happen; things fall into place or a wheel of motion is set into action; so why do we fail to utilise this day? Let’s not forget and try and enjoy the precious moments we have today and make it beautiful.
read more
Grooming of Another Kind: Kill Me if You Can
Thursday’s Topical Tête-à-Tête: Exploitation through the internet and internet ‘grooming’ is something we are all becoming aware of as the days/weeks/months/years pass by; it is frightening to acknowledge such atrocities are taking place; especially when it involves an innocent child/adolescent. This topic disturbs me to no end therefore, I will not delve too much into it as the direction I want to take is slightly different from the normal discussions surrounding this; however, similarities are likely to be observed.
(As always there is a pdf document at the bottom of the post for those who may find this a difficult read.)
I watched a documentary last week oddly titled Kill Me If You Can (please click on the link (it has a blurb and discussion feed) and take a quiet moment to watch it (or watch it below) -it’s 49 minutes long but it is a must see; I promise you it would be worth your time); why did I watch it? Other than the blurb and the title, the way in which the documentary was filmed piqued my interest (sometimes creativity rules over everything else!); so I watched it till the end and then it got me thinking… (If you still haven’t watched it, now would be the perfect time -unless you are happy about possible spoilers!)
To this day I still wonder if this was a work of fiction rather than an actual criminal case!
Here is a classic example of how modern day technology; films, video games, internet, etc… can play havoc with an innocent child’s mind. I sometimes wonder if too much information is doing more harm than good. For instance, take John and Mark; both teenagers, both happy-go-lucky-types, both bored to an extent that they both resort to the Internet to make friends -all normal teenage behaviour I hear you say; yes very true -that is the worrying aspect of it, as you do not realise what is actually going on in their minds (bear in mind I am not saying we need to know everything that goes on within a child’s -or any persons head; as that is unethical). I just wonder if we have come to an era where fiction and reality just blur beyond reason. When I was studying Fine Art with Related Arts at University; one of our subjects were Postmodernism and there we discussed art forms -be it written or visual, taking shape where the lines of reality and fiction/imagination becomes a blur; at that time I thought it was absurd (people could not be so naive to not know the difference) but I also thought it was plausible for artistic creation. I would never have guessed that this could actually become a scary reality! The story of John and Mark is a good example of this. John masterminds a story so evocative, so enticing -that despite it being far-fetched, Mark is reeled in to the extent that he takes the bait; he believes he is a special agent and working for Queen and country!
read more
Children – Empathy or Strategy
Savvy Sunday Salutations: Here we are at the end of week ones’ newly structured schedule (I hope you are enjoying the change and its developments); I wanted to start of Savvy Sunday Salutations with a good friend of mine, he goes by the alias Patrick Tulley (he’s a little shy). I have known Patrick for a number of years (since University) and although we do not always see eye to eye on many of the topics we discuss; we still manage to have an amicable debated discussion that can last for hours; so it was only a matter of time for me to come up with the only solution I thought was a fitting tribute: to invite Patrick along so we can continue our discussions here.
Before we continue, I would like you to have a quick peek at this Disclaimer; whilst we (guest bloggers and I) do not set about to intentionally upset visitors to the site; I understand some of the topics discussed/raised may touch nerves. Please note I will do my utmost to screen these posts before I post them however; I do believe in freedom of speech and I would hate to limit someone because they think differently to me or have different values from mine. Therefore, I urge you to have some understanding and an open mind before jumping in and causing a scene without it being constructive. Like I said, Patrick and I do have difference of opinions and on most cases we agree to disagree but at the same time we also respect the others’ thoughts and views -after all we do live in a civilized world; with this in mind I hope we will have more cultivated and engaging discussions. One last note to all: Here on yikici I have aimed to keep posts and discussions clean; I am not a fan of words that are disrespectful and disparaging therefore, I will not condone its’ use here on yikici; I do hope you share my views on this –if not, at least can respect them.
(As always there is a pdf document at the bottom of the post for those who may find this a difficult read.)
PATRICK TULLEY: PHILOSOPHER, AMATEUR WRITER
My name is Patrick Tulley. I am primarily a philosopher and an amateur writer but also have been a painter and sculptor in the past. My background has been quite varied, as I have lived abroad on and off during my 20′s, been in a number of different professions (mainly managerial) and owned and ran two businesses. More recently, I have been working as a private consultant within the public sector.
Since philosophy is my preferred interest; it is always something I rigorously apply to all my thinking and writing. Whilst I am knowledgeable about abstract philosophy, I am not particularly interested in taking that route. Philosophy is about the search for truth, it was always meant to be understandable by everyday people -this does not mean dumbing down the ideas of course. It just means I do not allow myself to get sidetracked by too many inconsequential arguments, often referred to as lifeboat scenarios. I tend towards the more Aristotelian and Socratic methods of philosophy, but I also have interests in Hume, Nietzsche and Rand. Philosophy has been a wonderful and fulfilling part of my life; it’s often been a very misunderstood subject -which I hope to discuss in future posts. I also enjoy reviewing art, literature, music and passing comments on culture, news and personal experiences that I have found both interesting and enlightening. I do not have a particular interest in politics –however; I may discuss my reasons with you sporadically throughout this blog. Overall, this is hoped to be a journal about a philosophical life. I hope you will enjoy my outlook on things and look forward to hearing your comments and thoughts along the way. I would also like to thank Ozlem for giving me this opportunity to have a voice on her blog.
Children – Empathy or Strategy
I was taking my usual walk to work via a shortcut I’ve just recently discovered and I was following two young mothers pushing prams. There was also a young boy probably no older than say 3, perhaps 4 years old straggling some 6 – 10ft behind them. As I was following them I happened to eavesdrop on the conversation which these two ladies were having. They were discussing motherhood in general with a certain disingenuous tone. However, this little boy was struggling to keep up as these two ladies marched on at an adult pace. My sympathy was raised for this boy’s poor little legs which had probably only learnt to walk in the past 18 months to 2 years. I thought how amazing that this young lad had managed a task we all take for granted now. The ability to stand on ones two legs and walk require enormous reserves of energy and thought. Balance does not come naturally to our species, as we must learn how to balance firstly. What I found profoundly interesting of this little boy, was that he wasn’t complaining about having to keep up, indeed it would seem that his distance reflected his need to be closer to his mother as he gritted his small teeth to try and keep up to speed. It was at this moment that his Mother’s friend asked her if she would consider having any more children. To which she stopped walking, turned around to face her little son and said, ‘I take one look at him and say, never, never again’. The little boy stops for a moment and looks up at his mother for a momentary glance into her eyes and then runs headlong towards her and wraps himself around his Mother’s leg. One could see his Mother visibly warm towards this gesture as she reaches down to rub his back. But rather than lose face with her friend over what she had said earlier, she makes some comment about not having enough time to raise more children.
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Are We Individuals or Are We Sheep’s?
Wishful Wednesday Wanderings (one-off theme for days like today):
Following my apology on Monday, I wanted to also apologise for not showing up at all yesterday (I planned to post Monday’s article as part of Tricky Tuesday’s Treachery (another one-off theme)). Unfortunately, my low moment hindered my plans -these moments can hit you in the middle of nowhere and can last longer than you really care for.
I am still not 100% (I’ve had 2-3 mini-panic attacks these past 3 days; my motto is still as I said in my previous article). I am determined to at least write something today -be it my blog post article, my WIP to meet my ROW80 goal, a flash fiction piece or even a follow-up storyline for Our Story Begins over at DiRosaYikici (or a combination of the above). Any success stories to be heard will be shared on Friday (hopefully) as part of Frivolous Fun Friday. Before I continue with the article I planned for Monday; I want to say a HUGE thank you all for the lovely comments and warm encouragements. I really appreciate every single one of them (I will do my best to respond to all as soon as I can); you cannot guess how much your positivity and empathy has helped during these tough two days. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Just a quick note: The below article is a continuation from Monday -which means I have not changed any part of it; I will just continue from where I stopped writing it (that will be from: ‘I was truly amazed.’); I hope you all enjoy the read despite its delay. Oh and before I forget –yep the bookshelf is assembled and adorned with all my books/files and random stuff that was eating into my space!).
(As always there is a pdf document at the bottom of the post for those who may find this a difficult read.)
The long awaited:
Monday’s Meandering Muse:
All this changing of rooms and creating space for my office/art space has limited my time and hence why I am now sitting amongst piles of books and files awaiting the delivery of a bookshelf which I hope will ‘magically’ bring a calm to the current chaotic space. This disarray does not help me think clearly or indeed make me feel if I am on time…right now I feel like I am running behind schedule with the blog -oooer! My only solace is that you are all very understanding of my predicament *looks ups with a marvellous/timid grin* -you are right?
Of course, you are -that is what I love about all you lovely visitors/readers of my humble blog! 
Ok, now let’s get focused and see what my muse wants to discuss today… Oh and by the way, if there is a topic you would like me to look into and explore in my own yikici-kind-of-way then please feel free to leave a suggestion in the comment box below or for those of you who are a wee bit shy drop me a line via my contact page.
ARE WE INDIVIDUALS OR ARE WE SHEEP’S?
I have heard this (and or similar) terminologies throughout my life and it always made me ponder how much individuals we are as opposed to being a sheep. I even recollect a very vivid memory from my childhood, which visualises this whole idea to another level; maybe this is why it has stayed in my minds-eye throughout the years.
I must have been in my early-mid teens (or maybe even younger; I cannot quite remember); as part of our family holiday (which incidentally was always a trip to Turkey) we visited family in Tokat –a region in the Northern part of Turkey. There I was gazing out of the window, which was looking out to the main street where a river (or maybe it was a stream) was gushing through it (not freely flowing onto the roads silly! It was below the roads surface, barricaded with walls and a bridge was available so people/animals/and all forms of transport could cross over it). Whilst marvelling at this sight and wondering the dangerousness of the rapid flow of water, I spied a shepherd with his flock of sheep moving along towards the bridge.
I hear you say that there is nothing fascinating about that; bear with me, there is more…
When they reached the bridge, the sheep, scared by the sound of the water I assumed, refused to cross over; the shepherd tried many tactics –one of which worked. He held one of the sheep by its two front legs and gently pulled him/her across the bridge so he/she sheep-stepped over the bridge. At this stage; I’m with you here -I was thinking ‘what is he doing!’ Then something amazing happened and in turn, that occurrence gave me the epiphany that was to stay with me throughout my lifetime. The remaining sheep started to follow the shepherd and the poor (two-legged) sheep –they all crossed the bridge; blindly following the semi-captive sheep up-front with the shepherd.
Soooo that’s where the terminology ‘sheep’ comes from.
I was truly amazed. To think all it took to sway the remaining sheep to cross the bridge, against their better judgement, was to hold ransom one of their kind and then et voila! I guess the term ‘lead by example’ also takes an interesting form when thinking of it in this context. Are you really leading by example or are you forced to do so?
Let us think some more… Hands up those of you who have been in the following situations:
Did you raise your hands? I have for all four scenarios (in the past when I was younger). I remember once writing a poem for a poetry module at university; the tutor insisted I separate my poem into two; convincing me, it would be a better read and more evocative (well according to her). I refused (I did) and I guess my artistic temperament took centre-stage at that point –I submitted it as one piece; my argument, the two themes were a necessity for each other. Was it a sound judgement call? I believe so –despite being marked down for my refusal to conform to the tutors ideal; I felt good for standing up for my belief in my work and my vision –that was the day I became aware of my individuality and realised a difference of an opinion should not deter you from speaking up.
Guidelines are great; but these should not force you to carry out tasks/create works of art/novels in a style that has worked for others –why must we copy others? Why follow in their footsteps when we are all unique in our own little way? We have been born into this world; created as individuals –all with our own unique DNA (our fingerprints are good examples of how individual we all are physically; is this not a good indication for what also is within us spiritually?). –I know this is a vast topic we can get lost in; but for now let us just think of our place in life; are we individuals or are we sheep’s?
Copyright © Ozlem Yikici 2011 & Copyright © doodllz™ 2011. All Rights Reserved.
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As you already know, thoughts and comments are encouraged as always -even if it is just a word -as all good discussions start with just one word.
Pdf document: Are We Individuals or Are We Sheeps
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